The Immortals is about the gripping, gory tale of Theseus, a very famous hero from Greek myth. Young Theseus has been chosen by Zeus himself to stop the “evil” King Hyperion from getting the Epirus Bow and releasing the Titans from Mount Tartarus. Theseus has a band of merry men that include a virgin Oracle, a monk with no tongue, and a thief that aid him on his quest to find the Epirus Bow before Hyperion and lead his people to stop the King from burning and pillaging all of Greece to the ground—with or without the help of the Gods. The film takes place in 1228 BC, Greece. Directed by Tarsem Singh and written by Charley Parlapanides and Vlas Parlapanidesstarring this film is…interesting.
Tarsem Singh (also director of The Cell and The Fall) apparently likes making movies that mean something. It’s apparent with all the use of metaphorical imagery and dramatic lighting and over-explained “deeper themes”. Singh’s films seem to also have another large flaw: they take themselves way too seriously. Because graphic violence and “emotional” yelling over the body of a dead loved one makes everything more edgy, right? This film is a one-dimensional, brainless action flick that follows basic Hollywood formulas for action movies that’s pretending it’s a deep and meaningful film about what immortality actually means—doing wonderful deeds that remain in the hearts and minds of your descendants. Oh, and having kids. The writing in this film is bland and one-dimensional for the most part. There are some moments (like the scene where Theseus gives the soldiers a stirring speech to pump them for the coming battle) that are wonderful, and others (like the blatantly obvious sex scene between the “virgin” Oracle and Theseus) are so cliché and cheesy it’s literally funny. The writing of the entire film comes off as melodramatic most of the time and forced the rest of the time, if not corny. The pacing was fine, the action was good (sometimes great) and the music actually added a lot of atmosphere to the story. It was unfortunate that the music actually distracted so much from so many scenes because it was overbearing. If there’s one thing this film has going for it, it’s the beautiful costume work. The film has stunning, detailed costumes on every character. I was particularly stunned by the outfits worn by the “Gods” (Ares, Athena, Poseidon, Helios, Heracles and Zeus). Each of them had an elaborate gold helmet that matched their personality. Poseidon’s wiry fish-shaped helmet and trident as well as Ares’ giant spiked Mohawk helmet were visually interesting without being overbearing. Personally, I thought the blood and gore was taken a little too far, even for an action film. It gets on my nerves in movies where the character kills someone and there’s not a drop of blood on the sword, but when it sprays everywhere all the time, it’s too much. And it looks like the more violent parts (specifically decapitations) look like poor CG. The blood looks like it was animated ten years ago at least and looks too fake. The film is visually appealing, I can give it that. It looks great. Almost good enough to spend the extra money to see in 3-D.
The main conflict in this film is that King Hyperion has been burning and pillaging the entire country in order to find the Epirus Bow—an exceptionally powerful artifact believed to be part of a myth—to use to free the Titans and unleash their great terror. This film devotes a lot of its time to depicting Hyperion as an unlikeable, unmovable, unsympathetic villain whose only it for the sake of being a dick. They mention a lost wife and son, but only briefly and not enough to make the viewer care. They also try to make Theseus’ mother into more than cannon fodder to move her son’s plot along, but it doesn’t have any effect. Even the romance subplot between Theseus and the Oracle Phaedra is too brief. They share a couple glances, she supposedly saves his life and then they have a short, awkward sex scene. And in the end it says she had his son. There was a subplot going on about the Gods interfering with humanity that ultimately went nowhere. Zeus trained Theseus to be a warrior disguised as an old man, Poseidon intervened with a tidal wave to knock the enemy soldiers out of their boat for our merry men to escape, and Athena and Ares stepped in to try to help long enough for Zeus to come down and “kill” Ares. The film suffers from being sadly one-dimensional. It had so many angles to play off of—Theseus’ growth from a skeptic to believing in the Gods, the Gods interfering themselves, the mentor/student relationship between the old man and Theseus, etc.—but it was spending so much time trying to be deep and complex it forgot it was trying to tell a story about two dudes trying to get to an awesome Bow first and slashing as many throats while looking badass as possible in the process. Don’t get me wrong, this film has excellent action sequences, using modern action movie tropes (slow motion being the big one) and stellar choreography. I was particularly impressed by how kick-ass Poseidon looked butchering piles of Titan mooks with his trident in the film’s climax. Overall, this film has a good, simple plot—it’s just buried under a hefty pile of subplots and action movie filler BS.
Henry Cavill as Theseus was not a terrible choice on the production team’s part. First of all, Cavill looks great. He’s built the right way and doesn’t look too muscular or too toned to run around swinging spears or swords while wearing sweat and dirt for a shirt. And he isn’t a terrible actor, either. The character was written as a no account, solemn, broody, lone-wolf type and that’s exactly what we got. Cavill never smiles throughout the entire film. Not even at parts where it would be okay if he smiled. We have an action hero cocktail with this Theseus: he’s the reluctant hero, he’s the champion of the underdog, he’s the warrior no one believes can use a sword, he’s mourning his mother, he comes to the defense of a Lady’s honor more than once and he’s genuinely a decent hero. He’s just very bland and boring. Mickey Rourke as Hyperion isn’t much better, mind you. He’s just a generic bad guy who’s bent on doing bad things for the sake of doing bad things. It’s silly, it’s stupid, it doesn’t make any sense and doesn’t fill in any plot holes and certainly doesn’t make the viewer care. The casting in this film isn’t awful. Neither is the characterization. It’s just so bland and boring and forgettable that it’s almost painful.
There are several major drawbacks to this film. First and foremost: it can’t decide what it wants to be. Was it supposed to be stupid action movie? Was it supposed to be a meaningful look at immortality? It doesn’t know—and neither does the viewer. It’s also trying to do too much at once. It has too many subplots, too much to look at, too much going on to be clearly focused on the simple plot it established early on. Tarsem Singh, here’s an idea: if you want to make a brainless action movie, do it. If you want to make a meaningful expose, do it. Just don’t try to do them both at the same time. Another drawback is it’s blandness. Hyperion’s lack of any emotion or character is the first thing that caught my attention. He always has the same dorky serious face on throughout the entire film and after a while it’s honestly funny. There just isn’t any character development for either of the main characters to make the viewer care about what happens to them. When Theseus is in mortal danger for the tenth time, we still don’t care. When Theseus gets his revenge on Hyperion for killing his mother, we still don’t care. We hardly even notice. The love interest, Phaedra (played by the beautiful Freida Pinto) is even more boring and bland than the two main characters. She and every other character (except for the thief) are completely forgettable and without a single distinguishing trait between them. She and her visions add absolutely nothing to the overall story and progression of the plot other than serving as an attractive love interest for the hero to have awkward sex with. Without their ridiculously fabulous helmets, the male Gods all look similar enough to be indistinguishable. Athena (Isabel lucas) was portrayed as a whiny, incapable Daddy’s girl. Even Zeus was forgettable. In fact, I’d be willing to say that the only character that wasn’t a bland, boring, forgettable mess was the thief that travelled with Theseus. His name (which is Stavros) isn’t actually mentioned. Stephen Dorff’s acting in this role is superb. He’s the only character in the entire film that had a personality. He was a cocky, smooth-talking thief who could sell ice cubes to Eskimos. He didn’t get lost in the drab glimmer of the rest of the film and found a way to shine. That was an amazingly impressive feat.
In conclusion, The Immortals is not a terrible film. In fact, I enjoyed it a lot more than I believed I would. It was visually stunning, except for the over-used graphic violence and relatively bad CG. The writing and characterization was so bland and forgettable that it felt lazy. The romance subplot (and all the other subplots) ultimately lead nowhere and have no pay off. The film may look amazing, with its kick-ass action sequences and detailed costumes, but it’s not enough to save it from its inevitable anticlimactic ending. It did have the battle that Theseus is most famous for, defeating the Minotaur in the Labyrinth, but it flopped, feeling more like a minor boss fight in a video game. The film acts like its confused because it’s trying to be a deep and meaningful expose on immortality and the deeds of men while being a brainless, sword slinging action film. Henry Cavill should be spending his time doing research on Superman for his upcoming role in Man of Steel, not being the most forgettable and unlikable hero in Greek history. Tarsem Singh, please, don’t throw $75 million away on another film this beautiful to look at, but so unbearably boring. 2.5 out of 5 stars.
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